For the past 2 1/2 years i have suffered from a very deep depression. This page will be viewed by a few people, VERY few cause this is something I am trying to forget! Depression is very controlling and it is hard to get out of...trust me, i know!I have fought it so long and still havent won totally. while you are here...VISIT THE OTHER LINKS ABOVE FOR MORE POLLS ON UR FAV. MUSIC ARTIST AND MORE :)
The Start
Some of the people may be reading this and not even know me!!! Or you may be part of my new program where I help those who suffer from the same things as I did. For those who are reading this and DO know me, well im sorry I didnt tell you about this earlier, I am trying to forget about the past 2 1/2 years. Well whether you know me or not... here is my story.
I have suffered form depression for 2 1/2 years and it was so hard. I had soooo many things happen during this
depression. I looked back in my diary and even back in the 5th grade I was already saying how I hate my life. It just got
worse in the years to come. The first time I thought of suicide was in the 7th grade...and it wasnt the last! If I had
2 choose my worst year it was in the 9th grade and 10th grade (this year). Life was just so hard, i got teased and because i was in my depression i never stood up 4 myself and that got me down more...anyhting that happened, no matter how small, got me down!
before any of the school crap happened my dad left us when i was like 7 ,cause he hit me, and i felt like that was my fault, if i didnt call him a name...then my mom got remarried, the guy was ok but i made him walk out cause i yelled at him, that was when i was like 10 or 11. :( now i am fatherless!
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Part 1
This year (and in the past) I repeatedly thought of suicide... and how I would do it, eventually I almost did. in the 9th grade I cut my wrists for the first time. I had read in a magazine that teens do it to relieve pain. The first time I did it, it didnt even break the skin. I kept on doing it until one day it bled. I sat there looking at the blood running
from that cut and felt a little pain leave me. I didnt do it much (well one time in the ninth grade I stole an exacto
knife form art and cut my wrist like 20 times... no lie)one of the SPD teachers (Sharon) asked me what happened
when she saw my wrists and I told her that my rabbits did it. Over the summer of ninth grade a lot of crap
happened. I found out that a friend of mine committed suicide and that was a surprise. I wasnt too close to him but i had classes with him the year before and
his cousin went to the daycare I helped out at and spoke of his suicide. the little boy said Shane hung himself...
like this...and grabbed his neck. I almost burst into tears. Another death I had to deal with was earlier that year. I
help in the SPD (severely profound and disabled) and love those kids and I found out a kid I had worked with in
the middle school died. The news was broke to me by the SPD teacher...Lynn Lawson, they waited 2 weeks to tell
me!!!! I tried not to cry (I dont cry much) but he died without any choice, its so sad!
I also got sexually harassed MANY times and it was so hard to deal with. One of the boys doing the harassing hung out with the type of people who would kill people so i couldnt tell. He would run into me in the halls and yell stuff out where people could hear it. He also got ahold of my phone number and called me and asked me 2 uhhh.. do nasty stuff. That was REALLY hard to deal with. With every little thing that happened that year (9th grade) got me more down, i did a good job hiding it and i could have easily killed myself and no one would have know cause no one reconized the signs of suicide. EVERYONE needs to learn them so you can watch out for others. That was about 1/2 of the crap that happened in 9th grade. I was so alone. My so called best friend Whitney wouldnt speak to me and it hurt, we had been friends scense 6th grade. I went up to her the other day actually and asked her why she hated me, she turned away and tolde me 2 go away and her friend standing with her said , she doesnt like u anymore. i almost started cring, i didnt have any REAL friends and still dont.
Part 2
Well enough of that and onto the summer. well I found out that a friend of mine (Brandon) lived down the street
from me (Ive known him since kindergarten) and we became GOOD friends (not GOOD GOOD friends just
GOOD friends, lol) and I played sports, watched TV, rented movies, hiked, and even spent the night at his house
(nothing happened cause we were just friends) and we had soooo much fun! Then I borrowed his bike one night and ended up having a wreck
and breaking both arms and stitches in the chin (7). When that happened I think that was the time we stared to
drift apart as friends. When school started (yes I was in casts on both arms and it sucked!)he hardly talked to me
and it hurt. I have few friends and losing one that lives down the street really made me mad and VERY sad. That
added to my depression. I dont remember why or for what reason but one night over the summer I couldnt take it
any more. My mom was out and i was alone. I ran up to the kitchen and I picked up a butcher knife and held it to my chest... ready to stab myself and die. I pushed on it feeling the blade go through my shirt but
not hard enough to cut my skin and i was cring so hard i couldnt do anything... I dropped the knife to the ground and started crying hysterically. That was my ONLY suicide attemp (yes i think of it almost everyday, that i want to die but ill never get like that... i hope... again)Also i hadnt5 accepted god yet in my life and the reason
why I think is that I had filled my soul with the depression and self pity... no room for anything else.
Now onto my 10th grade year (the beginning) I was still depressed and had MANY problems going on.
My best friend told me she was bisexual. My mom was keeping me in daycare no matter what I did (I was 15 then)
and she was so overprotective and uncareing. She treated my brother better than me all the time and he took advantage of it. They both made me feel like running away and added to the depression. My brother added over 1/2 of it.
He always got me in trouble and grounded, putting up with him was and is sooooooo hard. As i got more depressed i also had a anger problem, i was getting in fights and losing my temper at the simplest things. I also had eye
trouble, I was born with a lazy eye and had lost 80% vision in my left eye. I also considered myself FAT and i still do a little. I had so much stuff get me depressed, I
cant even remember them all. I know a lot of this runs together and it isnt well written but I am sitting here just
remembering the feelings and stuff that went on. Life was so hard on me, i know it could have been worse but not by too much...
e-mail me!!!!
The End
Some people helped me when I was down.... Jennifer(she was such a good friend), Erin(she has always been a good friend), Tyler(he always made me laugh), Amy(she knew what i was going through), Brian(he was the only adult that knew most of this! and he helped me accept christ), Kerry(she was soooo nice 2 me), The SPD and TMD(the SPD turned me in the 1st time for writing a poem on suicide..long story)
teachers, and many more. Some of my friends might be reading this and be like I didnt help her! well even
talking to me helped me :) well this is the end about. there is WAY more stuff that went on but....
An update... well I am still depressed but I am almost out of it!!!! Im not cutting anymore (the last time I
did was 1 week ago, i know thats still cutting but i am trying sooo very hard i used a corn cob holder, the netal one, cause i coulnt find a knife) and I havent thought about suicide in 2 weeks. my life is going kinda good now. There are
times where I get down but I doubt I will get as down as I was. I have almost run away the other night though cause life is so tough with family and everything :( If you have any ?s or comments you can e-mail
me... Kelly24019@yahoo.com. Thanks for reading this. ~Kelly
Visit the other pages on this website for more info on me and my depression and how to know if you or a friend is depressed.. and much more :) ALSO CHECK OUT THE CUSTOM 4 PAGE, IT IS THE KEWLEST PAGE =)
    
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